Jennifer did a post a couple of days ago on orders from Swistle about how she found out she was pregnant. After reading it, I started thinking about when I found out that I was pregnant with each of my three kids and became quite sad. See, when I read Jennifers post and then read Swistles post there was so much joy and excitement. I don't remember having any of those emotions with any of my pregnancies.
With my oldest, Chuck and I had only been dating for a couple of months. I don't really even know if you could call it dating because it was more like cocktails after work and one thing leading to another. It was in October of 1993 and I was 21 years old. We had gone out, as usual, on a Saturday night after work but I just wasn't into the whole bar scene. I stayed for maybe an hour or so and then decided to head home. I don't know why I did what I did next because physically, I had NO signs of pregnancy. Something in my head told me to stop at drug store and pick up a pregnancy test and so I did. When I got to the house, I made myself a Crown and Coke and stared at that box until I had the courage to take the test. I peed on the little stick and went out to the kitchen to make myself another drink. I think it only took about 1 minute for that test to come back positive. I downed my drink in about the same amount of time. And I cried.
The next morning, I took the other test that came in the package knowing that the first test I took HAD to be wrong. It wasn't. I told Chuck the news and what happened over the next couple of months is another post in itself. It was probably February or March before I could actually feel the true joy of being pregnant. The result? One of the most beautiful and smart girls a mother could ask for.
By August of 1995, Chuck and I were married and were renting a great house just a few blocks from my mother. I remember one day, Chuck came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me and whispered these words in my ear "you're pregnant". I vehemently denied his accusations and began laughing at him. I was on the pill (although I often forgot to take them) so HOW could I be pregnant? His words stuck in the back of my mind for days and I began to doubt myself. I decided to put my mind at ease and went to the drug store to pick up yet another test. I took the test and once again, I cried; this time without the cocktail though. How were we going to be able to take care of another child? We were barely making it financially, we were both working late hours, and Al was just barely over a year old. Not only did we make it, we had a great son.
By the summer of 1997, we were getting back on our feet financially. We moved into a townhouse that was quite a bit less expensive; Chuck was working in Tulsa, Ok while we were still living in Austin, Tx (he would leave Sunday night and come home Friday); I started back to school part-time and stayed home with the kids the rest of the time. Things were good. I woke up one morning and ate an apple as I was getting ready for school. The apple didn't set to well with my stomach.....I started having THAT thought. I argued with myself in my head that I could NOT be pregnant again because I was on the pill and while I still missed a couple of days of taking it, I was much better about it than I had been before. I made it through my classes that morning but I was still having that argument in my head so I stopped at the drugstore and picked up yet another test. I immediately went home and took it and low and behold, it was positive. I called Chuck and as soon as he picked up the phone, I started bawling. I don't really even know how he understood what I was saying but as soon as I got done talking he said "Dana, I knew you were pregnant days ago. Everything will be fine." We moved to our current location the following month to make Chuck's commute shorter and have a safer community to raise our children and on January 10, 1998, The Nut was born.
I realize now that the reason that I couldn't be happy when I found out I was pregnant with each of my kids is that I was scared about what other people would think. I used to think that if I had just done things differently (you know, fell in love, gotten married, then had kids instead of reversing that order) I could have been happy when I found out I was pregnant. I realize, now, that had I done that, I wouldn't have the precious kids that I have today. It makes me sad that 14, 12, and 10 years ago I was so under the influence of other people's thinking that I couldn't take the wonderful gifts that God had given me and just run with them and say screw any of you that feel that you need to judge me!